Dear Comcast: You suck. Please die

Ok this is something like week 6 at the new Anarchy family ranch/compound (in an undisclosed location that you cannot afford). The cable and internet of course were ready to go on day one. Because its my fucking job to have this stuff up. How else am I going to conduct arms deals over IRC with foreign nationals while I gather all of this important information to the masses like: Dude hangs from own nuts.. or stick figures being sodomized? Its part of my job. Besides Mrs. Anarchy needs to be able to get to all of her message boards and upload cute photos to snapfish so Grandma Anarchy can ooh and ahh over the little one.
So of course after setting up some new claymores by the perimeter and checking for any Zombie tracks, I put my M4 down and curled up with the laptop to see what kind of gay porn my friends tried to trick me into clicking on in email. And of course I get nothing.
9:30 PM The cable modem light is on. I have an IP address and DHCP is working. Fuck I have to call Comcast. Ring Ring..(IVR menu from hell, pause )
Comcast : How can we help you.
AnarchyX: Internet no worky. I have IP
Comcast : Give us all of your information and the MAC of your modem
AnarchyX: (gives it all up)
Comcast: We can’t talk to your modem
AnarchyX: Im talking to you. I have an IP from you via DCHP. Just moved BTW and you guys fucked this up for 10 hours on day 1. Same symptoms
Comcast: I can’t talk to your modem. Please confirm your MAC
AnarchyX: I can ping the default gateway. My modem sees you
Comcast: Sir we need to send a technician out. The soonest we can come is Saturday.
AnarchyX: Get bent. I can fucking ping the gateway but can’t go out. All DNS lookups are getting forwarded to another IP
Comcast: Sir we will have a local group home resident at your location on Saturday to take a look at it
AnarchyX: Fuck. How am I going to spam people’s messageboards and guest books with gay porn now?
(whole phone call takes 30 minutes)
30 minutes go by. Mrs Anarchy is in tears because she can’t get to http://www.babyzone.com
2nd Attempt:
Comcast : How can we help you.
AnarchyX: Internet no worky. I have IP
Comcast : Give us all of your information and the MAC of your modem
AnarchyX: (gives it all up)
Comcast: I see that you moved recently. And you are a valuable customer
AnarchyX: Get my fucking modem working Trevor. I have things to do here.
Comcast: Well sir it appears that I can’t see your modem
AnarchyX: No shit. How am I getting an IP address and DNS lookup then? I know. I have a secret back door into your shitty network so I can get IP addresses and nothing else.
Comcast: Please reboot your computer.
AnarchyX: What the fuck does that have to do with anything. Im over a router anyway.
Comcast: Please turn off your firewall and virus scanner
AnarchyX: Awwwwww fuck… ( wimpers)
Comcast: Sir we will really have to resolve this with a service visit

3rd Attempt (hour later)
Comcast : How can we help you.
AnarchyX: Internet no worky. I have IP and I just noticed that all DNS entries are being forwarded to a server that gives me a 403 permission error. Please don’t send one of your mouth breathers out.I just want this all to work.
Comcast: Hmmm your account is all jacked up. I can’t see shit. Maybe one of our retards screwed up the transfer while they were playing grab ass with each other?
AnarchyX: Sounds plausible?
Comcast: What is that IP you said you have?
AnarchyX (Gives up IP)
Comcast: I can now see your modem. Let me reset the modem and enable it on your account. I will put a message on your account to let the other retards know that we screwed this up and randomly deactivated your Cable modem.
AnarchyX (wow)
End of call (celebration as I am once again unleashed upon the Internets)